Retired Players I Hated Watching #3 ("Whoop-dee-damn-do")

Derrick Coleman

I didn't hate watching him because he sucked. It was actually the exact opposite -- I hated watching him because he was one of the most talented power forwards I'd ever seen but never put forth ANY effort.

For real, one of the most talented and multi-faceted forwards I'd ever seen. At 6'10 and 230 lbs. (the listed weight on his profile is bogus, but I'll get to that in a second), he could literally do anything on a basketball court. He could bring the ball upcourt, control the flow of an offense, and throw no-look passes like a point guard. He could shake defenders with crossover dribbles, play above the rim, and shoot all the way out from behind the arc like a shooting guard/small forward. And he could play with his back to the basket, defend the paint, and dominate the boards like a power forward/center. He was capable of playing every position, 1 through 5. Basically, he was Kevin Garnett before there was a Kevin Garnett.

But he never played hard. I followed him throughout his career -- watching him play as he moved from New Jersey to Philadelphia to Charlotte -- and he was always half-assing. If his teammates gave 100%, he'd barely give 60%. He'd settled for jumpshots instead of working for a higher percentage shot, jog (when he should be sprinting) back on defense, let loose balls roll out of bounds instead of hustling after them, not chase the fastbreak after a turnover, and all-around zone out once his team fell behind by double-digits (which was often, because his Nets and Sixers teams were awful). That's a sign of complacency. He was O.K. with settling and mediocrity and losing; none of that seemed to bother him much. He was a lazy bum that was content with doing JUST ENOUGH to keep tricking his teams into cutting his million dollar paychecks.

But to be fair, I'm sure a lot of professional don't have the world's greatest work ethic. I'm sure plenty of them don't necessarily spill their blood and guts on the court every single night and still manage to help their teams win ball games. So I think the biggest reason why Coleman was such a failure wasn't entirely because of his lack of work ethic, but moreso because of his complete negligence of physical fitness. When he first came into the league from Syracuse as the No. 1 overall pick, he was thin and lean and svelte. But after a few short years, he was a fat slob. There was no tone or definition in his arms, he jiggled when he ran, and he had droopy cow tits. After only half a quarter, he was already heaving and drenched in sweat (if I were to put money down, I'd be willing to wager that sweat smelled like bacon grease). He always looked like he was on the verge of having a heart attack and that's because he never took care of himself. I don't know the guy (never have, never will) but I can already tell just by looking at him that his diet was high in saturated fat, he didn't put any extra time in the weight room, and he didn't lift a finger during the offseason when he wasn't playing. And this is what I never understood about players like Shaq, Antonie Walker, Oliver Miller, and any other flabby ball players -- they run back and forth constantly for a living, they get more cardio workout in a month than most people get in a lifetime, so how could you ever POSSIBLY be out of shape? That's so unfathomable to me. If you're perpetually running, you're going to be perpetually toned. There's really no way around that. So if you're always running and you're somehow anything to the contrary, you must be putting an epic amount of effort into living as unhealthy as humanely possible. Like I said above, his listed weight is 230 lbs., but throughout the peak of his career, there was no way he was any less than 260, and when he was playing out his final few seasons with Philly and Detroit, I wouldn't be surprised if he topped out at around 280 lbs. He was massive. And all of that extra weight anchored him to the ground and kept him from doing all of the things -- running, jumping, shooting, dribbling, passing, scoring -- that came so inherently natural to him.

And then of course, there was all his legal problems. Arrested while attending Syracuse for harassment and disorderly conduct. Arrested multiple times as a Net and Sixer for run-ins with police officers. Arrested for pissing in a Detroit restaurant. Arrested for multiple DUIs. And worst of all, getting into a car wreck (while drunk, I'm sure) that nearly killed his Hornet teammate Eldridge Recasner as he sat in his passenger seat. So not only is he lazy and overweight, but he's also a lousy human being with poor character.

For four straight seasons, he averaged about 20 points, 11 rebounds, and 3 assists. And that was barely even trying. Imagine if he actually cared about his craft. So yeah, I didn't hate watching him because he couldn't play -- I hated watching him because he didn't play hard.

Derrick Coleman's career statistics