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I know I'm not alone in my appreciation of infomercials. There's something spellbinding about them. The allure is beyond comprehension, lacking any kind of logical or sensible explanation. Perhaps it's curiosity, or boredom, or maybe even a slight bit of masochism -- whatever the reason, we feel obligated to watch.

The quality of acting is poor, of course, but it's as if it's purposely poor. It's like they went far out of their way to be awful. I don't know, perhaps it's shrewd salesmanship. Maybe acting that is so offensively bad makes us, the unsuspecting consumer, feel sympathy for the company and buy their product out of pity. And there are recurring infomercial actors, too. Pitchmen. People who corporate suits have hand-picked to represent their product, anointed to be the face of their company. They've become ingrained in our collective social consciousness; there's Billy Mays (with his immaculate beard) and Oxy Clean; Chef Tony and his specialty knives that can cut through dry wall just as easily as they can slice a tomato (although admittedly I don't see him around anymore...I hope he hasn't retired); and that guy with the pock marks, I forgot his name, and the airtight vacuum-sealed bags. They are television's professional shills.

I was always a poor math student, but with four "easy" payment installments, I think it's safe to say that it isn't going to be exactly cheap. Whatever the base price may be (let's just say, $14.99), after you multiply it by four, it's going to obviously add up. And they always make a big deal about price-slashing. They'll hedge their bets by starting really high -- "You won't pay $400 for this item...not $300...not $200...not $150...heck, not even $100" -- continuing to sequentially lower the price, dropping down in descending order. All of this is a nice gesture, I guess, but I don't think I'd want to blow $400 bucks all in one shot anyway. At least not over the phone, and not on a piece of junk.

The before-and-after scenes are ridiculous, but it's an endearing kind of ridiculous. I feel the eternal pessimist wastes his time complaining about them and the eternal optimist embraces and enjoys them. In cases like these, the glass is definitely half full. It's fun watching people struggle with the simplest, most mundane tasks. Opening a jar of pickles, wiping up spilled milk, chopping an onion -- all of sudden, they've become the hardest things in the world to do. And what's more, they'll always do them the exact opposite way you're supposed to do them. Instead of twisting the pickle jar's lid clockwise, they'll wrestle with it, as if trying to hold a live, wriggling fish at bay; instead of effeciently dabbing at the puddle of milk, they'll hold a sheet of paper towel between their thumb and pointer finger, daintily dragging it through the mess; and instead of chopping the onion, they'll jab and thrust at it, like a swashbuckler. It's amazing. The clips only last for a split second, but they always stand out as one of the highlights of the entire infomercial. I don't consider it an insult to my intelligence at all -- I consider it entertainment. And if their cinematography has taught me anything, it's that monochrome signifies conflict and hardship, while technicolor signifies a much easier and fulfilling life (that's assuming you own their product, naturally).

There's a misconception that infomercials only air really late at night (or really early in the morning, depending on which way you look at it), but that's not entirely true. Whenever we think of infomercials, we automatically think of 4:00 AM. But things have slowly changed. Truth is, infomercials come on at all times of the day. They're broadcast during the weekday when everyone is supposed to be at work. They're broadcast during those lazy Sunday afternoons, before or after a crappy basic cable TV movie (usually Tremors 2). In fact, if you scour your channels hard enough, you may even find one playing during prime time. So the point is, you don't necessarily have to be an insomniac to watch people selling stuff.

Specificity is always good, so here are a few of my favorite infomercials:

Ronco Rotisserie

So essentially, it's just a glorified Easy Bake Oven, right?

Spinning meat is mesmerizing. Spinning makes you hungry; spinning makes you want to eat.

The "flavor injector" is unappetizing. The concept is reasonable enough -- I can understand wanting to make something juicier and tastier -- but hypodermic needles conjures mental images of the doctor's office, HIV, and heroin. It doesn't really make me think of dinner. And it's hilarious when he injects the whole cloves of garlic into the rib roast...I love garlic, but it kind of defeats the purpose of seasoning when the garlic stays in one centralized area.

Set it...and forget it.

The salmon with sprigs of dill and slices of lemon looks pretty good.

Ron Popeil has created a lot of gadgets over the course of his career (the Chop-O-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, Spray-On Hair, etc., etc.) but no one ever calls him an "inventor." And when you think about it, basically no one is ever considered an "inventor" these days. At least not an inventor in the same vein as Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, or Benjamin Franklin. Nowadays, if you create something, you're usually classified as an "entrepreneur" or a "business magnate." For instance, Bill Gates invented Microsoft, but no one really calls him an "inventor." It's a word that doesn't really fit into our everyday lexicon anymore; it's grown outdated, anachronistic. And that's unfair because for stupid and useless as his creations may be, they're still "inventions" in every sense of the word.

ShamWow

This is one of my new favorites.

The headset microphone seems completely unnecessary.

His bulging, frantic eyes suggest rampant cocaine abuse, or a stroke.

This puts me in the mood to punch coca-cola out of a swatch of shag carpeting.

I understand that its an abbreviation for "shammy," but I can still appreciate the poetic value of using "sham" right in the product name. It's nearly as blatant as calling it the FraudWow, or Rip-OffWow.

I'm almost positive I don't spend $20/month on paper towels, but now that he's brought it up, it does make me wonder...

This guy is the rockstar of infomercials. He is the new generation.

Magic Bullet

I guess I can see how this would be useful, but it's still just a small blender. And in that case, I can just use my ordinary blender.

Could they have picked a less sexually-suggestive product name, maybe? The double entendre couldn't have possibly been unintentional. Maybe for their next informercial they'll advertise the Dildo Toaster.

Zesty salsa in less than 5 seconds? This is truly a wonderous technological age we live in.

The host's accent makes me feel a little more inclined to buy it. It's very soothing. It almost makes me forget that he's ripping me off.

This does put me in the mood for a smoothie, maybe mango.

I always get so involved in the storyline. Are Mick and Mimi married, or are they just living together? Why are all these people at their house so early in the morning...did they all sleep over? Does Berman have a drinking problem? With the casual way she's just bumming around the house in a night gown and a cigarette, Hazel and the hosts most have a very familiar, longtime friendship. Are Mimi and the other blonde haired girl supposed to be sisters? They look related. If they are, I bet Mimi holds low key resentment and hostility towards her sister for being younger and slightly prettier. She doesn't necessarily hate her, she's just jealous. She badmouths her in private, but maintains a cheery disposition for the sake of public appearances. All liquored up, Mimi wanted to finally tell her sister off at her wedding reception (which was a beautiful affair, by the way), but Mick stepped in and kept her from embarassing herself. Sadly, Mimi is unable to bear children, so when she finds out her sister is pregnant, she'll be devastated. At least, this is how I envision the script in my head.

Walkfit Shoe Insole

This is the 2nd recording of this infomercial, and the host has really lost a lot of weight. Good for him.

I have very flat feet, so I always watch this so longingly. I get jealous of the shots of all the happy people dancing and shopping and bowling without any pain. After only a short while of walking and standing, my legs are already fatigued. And after a little while longer, they start throbbing. I really need some arch support in my shoes.

This is the same girl from the Magic Bullet commercials.

Snuggie

Yes, they look stupid. And yes, they make you look like you're a member of some weird cult or religious sect. But I have to admit that I would kind of want one. I don't know if I'd necessarily go out of my way to purchase one, but if someone offered to me as a gift, I would eagerly accept it. It's practical. It's useful. And I imagine it's comfortable. After you get over how goofy they are, it's hard to deny its usefulness. If you like blankets, then I think you would also like Snuggies.

But yeah, again, they do look obscenely stupid. They're just wearing a backwards robe, Kriss Kross-style. I would never wear them out to "a sporting events." I would never wear them "in the dorm." I would never wear them anywhere that I might be seen by the opposite sex. Only inside the house, with the blinds shut, and preferably shrouded in the night's darkness. And even then I would still feel embarassed.