Guns and Cigarettes are Cool

I'm mindful of what I eat -- no fast food or soda, lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. And I maintain physical activity -- this reminds me, I need to change the flat tire on my bike. So, I think it's safe to say I'm a relatively healthy person.

And I have no particular interest in killing anything, so I think I can say I'm more or less a mentally stable person.

But with both these things established, I can also say with complete confidence that guns and cigarettes are two of the coolest things on Earth. And I dare anyone to convince me otherwise.

For someone who's as constantly and consciously self-aware of my image as I am, it's a surprise I've never started smoking. A lit cigarette hanging precariously from your lips, red-orange embers burning at its tip, smoke billowing from your face -- it's a captivating aesthetic. It makes nobodies look like somebodies, makes ordinary people look extra ordinary, and makes beautiful people look devastatingly unapproachable. Complete disregard for one's own mortality earns a begrudging sense of awe.

You couldn't buy a better accessory than a pack of smokes. It helps complete the brooding and pensive look, if that's what you're aiming for. During social interaction, I never know what to do with my hands or my mouth, so this seems like the most logical habit to pick up. It's by far the trendiest thing you can find at a gas station. Cigarettes create an awesome silhouette when cast against asphalt, preferably before the sun gets too high in the sky. This has nothing to do with feeling good (I've heard enough about emphysema to surmise that it's unpleasant) and everything to do with looking good.


And I'm not a violent person. I'm not one of those psycho gun enthusiasts that attend national conventions and dress entirely in camouflage. Hunting is completely unappealing to me, firing ranges seem uncomfortably loud, and I don't ever want to find myself in a kill-or-be-killed situation. But I have to admit, guns are cool, too. They make you look tough without having to do anything other than being seen with one. The fact that you're more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder notwithstanding, I'd probably want a Glock.

They're empowering in a phallic sort of way, like that feeling of manliness when you're holding your own hard on, or maybe a guitar. They have an awesome nickname, "firearm"; it makes me fantasize that I have a flamethrower for a limb that shoots fire whenever I flex my bicep. I believe most people (or at least most people with small children in the household) keep their guns locked away and out of sight, but I'd display it on my dresser like a Little League trophy, propped up at a dramatic 45 degree angle, maybe shine a low-wattage spotlight down on it. I'm not even interested in ever firing it, I just want to brandish it and use it as a pointer. I'd wear one of those holsters that strap around your shoulder, the ones you see overworked, underslept TV detectives wearing, usually over an unpressed long sleeve button-down shirt that's rolled up to the elbows.

Now I want to make this clear: death and murder and homicide are NOT admirable things. Anyone who thinks they are needs to grow up...and in the most extreme of cases, receive psychiatric counseling for their obvious socipathic tendencies. Guns are scary, powerful, and dangerous, but they just LOOK like really cool toys. It's hard not to want to play with it.

Atmosphere's "Guns and Cigarettes" is a great song, and by no small coincidence.